the potholed streets of life

little things

2012-02-06T00:40:00.000-08:00

1. doc : you lost 1.5kg in a month. have u been dieting? me : NO i've been jogging in the evening. doc : u jogging to lose weight or to keep fit? me : err lose a little? o.O doc : you are far from being overweight, please don't be obsessive and eat. (WAHAHAHA not aneroxic, no worries! and dieting is the fool's way, pls!)

2. mum : she sleeps at 3am and wakes up at 12pm and skips breakfast. doc : ohh that's holiday syndrome. (WINNNNN)

3. you still look good. (HAHAHAHHAHA OHH THANK U! :D)

4. BFFs don't judge, BFFs share. :')

5. mum : i love nuts. dad : why u call me nut?? (*FACEPALMS)

6. you don't look 20 at all. (WHY THANK YOUU)

7. we are all friends because we are all mean. (Y)!!

8. obliviously bitching bout the government with abdullah badawi sitting at the next table without us realizing. out of nowhere, jac : oiahrogfharougboufbvoushoahqoyebofbosfybgsob me&pin&heidi : wtf she saying? jac : types out - abdullah badawi!! me&pin&heidi : AHAHAHAHAHHAAH (WINNNN)

9. you look skinny today (Y)!

10. me : TIME TO PLAY ASSHOLES! jy : if i printscreen that comment out of context, it's gonna look so wrong. (OOOOOOPS)

11. I am foreveralone wat!! You are foreveralone cos you choose to be alone. (honestly... Super nice & comforting thing to be told! Independence bitches! t(-.-t) Hahaha)

12. "some people just take longer to let go, that's all" (the sweetest thing someone ever said about my situation ever :'))

that makes your day. (:

(:

2012-01-21T09:20:00.001-08:00

This post requires no words to express how contented I am in this moment.(:

Independence yooo

2012-01-06T06:50:00.001-08:00

Sooo if I start working next year n manage to save 10 bucks each time. After 3 years, I'll have the money to come home n buy my own car!! Like my freaking own car beeeeches! Not like some losers that use their parents car n think it's theirs, cause it's not!

My future baby!:D

To the new year!

2012-01-02T20:29:00.001-08:00

To 2011, the year everything shifted. Started the year off leaving gap heavy heartedly, moved to Australia, met some cool people, experienced dorm life, missed my baby so badly, got cut deep, bounced back again, rekindled burned out friendship, had the best winter break ever, had a roller coaster sem 2, turned 20 omg haha, having the best summer break ever, worked in cold storage (Y), had a pretty awesome new year's eve and finished the year off with a smile! (:

So to 2012, I think you are gonna be awesome! Have so much lined up! Taylor swift live! Zack in Sydney, anwar in Sydney, and so much more! I for one can't wait even though I'm dreading the end of my summer break! But I believe that this is the year!(:(: the year where everything will just be alright, not perfect but not shitty either. (:

Happy new year! 2012, don't let me down!(:(:(:

The big 4!

2011-12-24T22:11:00.001-08:00

To 4 beautiful, amazing loving years. I would not have survived anything without you. I love you more than anything in the world. And to the year I left, spending every possible moment I have left with my baby dog.

Happy birthday baby boy!

Seriously?

2011-12-19T08:19:00.001-08:00

Just sat thru two hours of money money money talk. And then I was reminded of why I ran away in the first place. Does your life really revolve around money only, seriously?

My job is over. I feel so empty now.

When you least expect it.

2011-12-18T10:17:00.001-08:00

The most enjoyable and fun yet stressful and tiring job ever! And I. Loved. Every. Single. Minute. Of. It. Okay well except the last two hours after most of the promoters have left! So happy to have found this job, like seriously! If not who knows what dark place I'll be in right now. My job scope was to promote biscuits but who knew that in between all that I would be talking to juice boy and aunties, eating mushroom!!, drinking JUICEE, eating Haagen Dazs like nobody's business, having awkward moments where aunties try to hook you and juice boy up and challenging annoying quaker oats girl that gives people the heebie jeebies! And hence this could be one of the best things that happen to me thus far this summer break! (: I believe that there's two people in life. One that would love any job regardless and another that will hate every single job they commit in. And this reflects the kind of person you are. So today was my last day and to me weekends will never be the same ever again. (:

On a sad note, soooo I think I have to go through an endoscopy soon. Fuck my freaking lifeeee!):

surprises.

2011-12-06T10:13:00.000-08:00

sooo i've been back for approximately 2 weeks plus (wow time freaking flies) and everything has changed! some for the better, some for the worse. leaving me moodless on some days to a whole new level. the only constant is my baby juju! forever grateful for him. ♥

while the parents nagged to get a job, i was already one step ahead - searching for one already! cos i won't survive with the lack of money! haha. so i've been working the last weekend and two more weekends to go! and it has been the best mood booster ever, like seriously who would have thought that right? haha.. the plan was to be anti and not talk to anyone so i won't get attached to the people or the place cos i cannot take it anymore after what gap did to me. but after two days, my plan failed to the max, i'm already attached. ): people started coming up and talk to me especially the aunties. cute to the max la. :D and coffee boy who was promoting right next to me. haha. we just literally talked the whole way through. (: i know so much about his background now but not his name (Y) la haha. and he totally sang along to taylor swift's song omgggg :D unfortunately he's only there this week so it's gonna be so boring next week sigh ): and kept stealing ice cream boy's baskin robbins hahaha! and juice boy was stranded so he came over to my isle and we just talked for like an hour and a half! its damn amazing how the conversation is so easy flowing with absolute complete strangers! i should meet more random people hahaha :D and it's not like i didn't do my job properly! my biscuit sold out everydayy! (Y)! anyway the point is that it's so amazing how people i barely know or rather people i do not know have made my entire week! so attached that i am desperately searching for more jobs in cold storage ikano now. sighs me n my stupid whale heart! ahah..

on another note, my tummy is still giving me fucksss. its so annoying! i do not want a colostomy bag mannnnn D:

CAN'T WAIT FOR WORK THIS WEEKEND!

home.

2011-11-15T04:56:00.000-08:00

having a reason to charge my malaysian phone nowwwwwwww! :D:D:D so excited to go home for 3 months of summer break!!!! (: no more yannadah FOR LIFEEEEE!

CHRIS DAUGHTRY - HOME
I'm staring out into the night,
Trying to hide the pain.
I'm going to the place where love
And feeling good don't ever cost a thing.
And the pain you feel's a different kind of pain.

Well I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old,
So I'm going home.
Well I'm going home.

The miles are getting longer, it seems,
The closer I get to you.
I've not always been the best man or friend for you.
But your love remains true.
And I don't know why.
You always seem to give me another try.

So I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old,

Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all,
And then some you don't want.
Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all, yeah.

Oh, well I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old.
I said these places and these faces are getting old,
So I'm going home.
I'm going home.

this song is so extremely meaningful to me now. takes moving few thousand miles away to realize but its never too late. (:

Perspective.

2011-11-10T21:21:00.001-08:00

I had a terrible day.
We say it all the time
A fight with the boss, a stomach flu, traffic
That's what we describe as terrible
When nothing terrible is happening

This is the things we beg for
A root canal, an IRS audit , coffee spill on our clothes
When the really terrible things happen
We start begging to god we don't believe in to bring back the little horrors
And take away this

It seems quaint now doesn't it?
A flood in the kitchen, a poison oak, the fight that leaves you shaking with rage
Would it have helped if we could have seen what was coming
Would we have known that that was the best moments of our lives?

~grey's anatomy

karma

2011-10-19T06:48:00.000-07:00

karma. i sincerely believe in karma. because its so hauntingly disturbing with all the gory abusive pictures on the web. poor helpless animals tortured, people randomly kidnapped and raped going through 44 days of torture, babies thrown away and god knows what else. seriously? i believe that karma will bite back one day sooner or later. so maybe those victims were once those abusers doing the exact same thing and now they are paying. for my peace of my mind, i will believe in that. and its going to be a never ending cycle of pain.

Whenever I scroll down the page, I have a deep fear of accidentally viewing these pictures. And hence I deactivated my fb. Going off the radar and being mysterious! Haha :3 I'll be back again one day. (:

And it's officially one month to home! 7 more days of this crazy early morning semester! I SURVIVED! *applause! Haha. I will be so incredibly relieved once this semester is done! One of the toughest periods of life here in my opinion. Can't wait to go home can't wait to go homeeee! My dad better be home when I go homeee! If not ):

living solely on twitter now! (Y) iOS 5 why you so awesomeeeeee? haha.. ~3weeks to exams! 3 days in a row killer! X.X

can't wait to see, hug and squeeeeze my baby! :3

loss

2011-10-14T03:15:00.000-07:00

we're so hopeful at the beginning of things
it seems like there's only a world to be gained, not lost
they say the inability to accept loss is a form of insanity
it's probably true
but sometimes it's the only way to stay alive.
~grey's anatomy

struggling. struggling badly

lifetime of friends with a lifetime of memories (:

2011-09-30T21:43:00.000-07:00

because itunes played santa monica by savage garden, i was brought back to a time back when all was perfect. (: july 2010 - 7th january 2011, the best days of my life, the days in gap. ♥ ♥ ♥

everyone's moved on now and nothing is the same in gap ever again but the days will never be forgotten ever. and who knew that so many lifetime of friendship were made in those 6 months.

since its on this context,
the best days ever too. (:

and 3 years down the road...

best group of friends ever. ♥ ♥ ♥

and for most part of about 3 years of my life,

nanars forever. ♥ ♥ ♥

and after battling it out in a levels for one and a half years together with animal planet live around us. hahaha.

the white chicken rice gang! haha ♥ ♥ ♥

because life has so many phases and at the end of the day we all come out the other side just a little happier, a little more appreciative, with people that will last a lifetime. ♥

life

2011-09-10T03:12:00.000-07:00

because who knows what is out there still waiting to be discovered.
because maybe someday everything will just fall into place like the pieces of a puzzle.
because sometime in the future, everything will be so perfect that forever will not be enough.
because life is beautiful if we are willing to take the risk, the leap of faith.
so live a little, break some rules,
fall in love, get your heart broken, and then fall in love all over again,
look back every once in a while and smile at the good times.
because who knows what we're missing everytime we let something or someone hold us back.
just live.

You never know the biggest day of your life is the biggest day
Not until its happening
You don't recognize the biggest day of your life
Not until you're in the middle of it
The day you commit to something or someone
The day you get your heart broken
The day you meet your soul mate
The day you realize there's not enough time
Cause you want to live forever
Those are the biggest days
The perfect days.
~grey's anatomy ♥

♥

2011-09-02T05:19:00.000-07:00

HI MY DREAM JUST CAME TRUE! :D now i have something to look forward to in sydney in 2012! even if we all die, at least i die happy. hahahahah! and i will be very upset if zack doesn't make it! cos we were supposed to go for concert together!!! *don't kill my dreams!

and my dad is the funniest guy everrrrr! hahahaha my parent's emails can be my jokes corner la hahaha. (Y)!!

82 days more! ♥

just because

2011-08-18T03:48:00.000-07:00

because you remind me so much of this person that i despise 7 years ago and finally got rid off, my defense mechanism is telling myself to run far far away.
because you are patronizing and obliviously demeaning, i am already a mile away.
because i hate it when people know stuff about me and its all coming from another person and its not always true, i'm shutting off.
because i'm not the type of person that accepts crap lightly, i'm at tipping point already.

its all coming back to haunt me now.
there's a reason why some people never have someone fighting to be their other half after so long.
there's always a reason to everything.
stop thinking you're so great because honestly you are not at all, its all in your contorted mind.

p.s : i hate kiasu people

97 days more baby

wo de bi bi ♥

2011-08-11T22:58:00.000-07:00

my babyyyy is so cuteee! sigh! ♥ now the picture is complete. (:

missinghimlikecrazyandnotbeingabletodoanythingaboutit!

for me you'll always be 16 and beautiful and dancing away with my heart

2011-08-03T20:31:00.000-07:00

so its the second week of the dreaded sem 2 and i overslept and missed two lectures at 1 and 2pm! while waking up for my 8 and 9am ones the same morning. fail muchhhh! ahaha.. in between lectures, tutorials, practicals, assignments, studying, muscle training (3 times a week training the muscles of one hand and apparently the other hand is a free loader! - lets see if that's true!), exercising, there's really no time for any crapssss! about 15 weeks more of this life, then home for 3 and a half months of blisssss! ♥

i haven't seen you in ages
sometimes i find myself
wondering where you are
for me you'll always be 18
and beautiful and dancing away with my heart
~lady antebellum, dancing away with my heart

lady antebellum's album sounding too awesome already! even if its only the first 3 songs! so gonna get it :D

too cool for me ):

♥ forever and always

home.

2011-08-02T03:34:00.000-07:00

so about a year ago, i decided that my life was waaaaaaay too boring and wanted to move to another country for a brand new start! and yeah i succeeded in getting away! was super excited to leave and couldn't wait for my brand new beginning. but during the last two months at home, all my excitement just died. suddenly it dawn on me that i'm leaving everything behind especially my baby! ): and i had the most emotional last month at home ever! even though things weren't that pleasant at times, i was still gonna miss everything at home!

and then i came to aussie and missed my baby sooo much during the first month! and then i met friends and everything was fine again. but along the way, i realized how much more i loved my country, ironically. i for one admit that i do insult malays alot but somehow i miss malaysia so much during my time here! i missed just about everything - the heat! (lol i know), the mall, the people, the family, the babyyyyy! and during the time here i decided that 4 years later, i will go home to work cos well it's home. even if the pay is less or wateva, at least i'm contented. i for one cannot imagine settling down here and having a family here. can't imagine how the kids(if i have any) will turn out to be. *shudders and with all the hype of getting a hot guai lou bf, somehow it doesn't apply anymore after coming here. asian guys are much more appreciated now! :D

so 4 years later, i will continue my life back home again, because as cliche as it sounds. home is where the heart belongs and that will never change. even though life in another country is so much less suffocating and more exciting, at the end of the day, home is still the best place ever.

and i read this article of a young malaysian studying abroad. her dilemmas :

sometimes it feels like we’re all alone, fighting and struggling for something that doesn’t even want to be fought for.

that's pretty true but then again :

But I guess it’s like a long distance relationship, where you need to keep putting in the effort, and you need to keep trying, and at the end of the day you need to go back to the person you love. ( in this case, the person you love signifies our country - malaysia )

snippet from an article - dilemmas of a young malaysian abroad.
http://www.loyarburok.com/2011/02/23/dilemmas-of-a-young-malaysian-abroad/

so i told my mum this when i went back home during the holidays and she just gave me the @.@ face and said wat happen to all the plans?! all i could say was after everything it's still home. she's convinced that i will change my mind after 4 years but really? i highly doubt it. (: after all i have so many things waiting for me at home. in the mean time, i will enjoy my years here and as they say go back to the place where i belong.

nothing..

2011-07-12T08:48:00.000-07:00

so i think i'm having bff withdrawal syndromes! haha i'm missing my bff! ): it aint my fault since i got to see him only for 8 days! :@ haha. anyways guessed i passed my sem 1! yayyy! now i have to face the worst timetable ever! sem 2 BRING IT ON! :D and i have to rewatch my harry potter 6 and 7 part 1 in 2 days time! thursdayyyy i can't freaking waiiiiiiit! its so sad though that its the last movie ): time freaking flies when you are having so much fun! i'm not ready to go back yettt! ): just realized that i only have one more weekend left. ): so making the most of it! with my babyyy! currently obsessed with the script - nothing!♥

Am I better off dead
Am I better off a quitter
They say I'm better off now
Than I ever was with her
As they take me to my local down the street
I'm smiling but I'm dying trying not to drag my feet

They say a few drinks will help you to forget her
But after one too many I know that I'm never
Only they can see where this is gonna end
But they all think I'm crazy but to me it's perfect sense

And my mates are all there trying to calm me down
'Cause I'm shouting your name all over town
I'm swearing if i go there now
I can change your mind turn it all around

And I know that I'm drunk but I'll say the words
And she'll listen this time even though their slurred
Dialed her number and confess to her
I'm still in love but all i heard was nothing

So I stumble there, along the railings and the fences
I know if I'm face to face that she'll come to her senses
Every drunk step i take leads me to her door
If she sees how much I'm hurting
She'll take me back for sure

And my mates are all there trying to calm me down
'Cause I'm shouting your name all over town
I'm swearing if i go there now
I can change your mind turn it all around

And I know that I'm drunk but I'll say the words
And she'll listen this time even though their slurred
Dialed her number and confess to her
I'm still in love but all i heard was nothing

She said nothing
Oh I wanted words but all I heard was nothing
Oh I got nothing
Nothing
I got nothing
Nothing
Oh I wanted words but all I heard was nothing

Oh sometimes love is intoxicating
Oh you're coming down your hands are shaking
When you realise there's no one waiting

Am I better off dead
Am I better off a quitter
They say I'm better off now
Than I ever was with her

And my mates are all there trying to calm me down
'Cause I'm shouting your name all over town
I'm swearing if i go there now
I can change your mind turn it all around

And I know that I'm drunk but I'll say the words
And she'll listen this time even though their slurred
Dialed her number and confess to her
I'm still in love but all i heard was nothing

She said nothing
Oh I wanted words but all I heard was nothing
Oh I got nothing
Nothing
I got nothing
Nothing
Oh I wanted words but all I heard was nothing
Oh I got nothing
I got nothing
I got nothing

nothing...

this new vios is TOO FREAKING COOL! look at the colour AHH!♥

time for harry potterr! :D

summer dreaming

2011-07-03T03:17:00.000-07:00

so i made it home! first time traveling alone! accomplishment okay :D and now that i'm home, i don't feel like leaving ever again! ): its like a breath of fresh air being back in my own house, in my own room. its like totally drama free.. not having to put on a charade all the time! so freaking exhausting! and no drama everywhere. its like i don't even wanna know whats going on in sydney and not even wanting to go online to check. such a relieve. damn it feels so good to be back!

♥

grief

2011-06-15T04:48:00.001-07:00

Grief may be a thing we all have in common

But it looks different on everyone

It isn't just death we have to grieve

Its life

Its loss

Its change

And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad, the thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime

That's how you stay alive

When it hurts so much you can't breathe, that's how you survive.

By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won't feel this way.

It won't hurt this much.

Grief comes in its own time for everyone.

In its own way.

So the best we can do, the best anyone can do is try for honesty.

The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief, is that you can't control it.

The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes.

And let it go when we can.

The very worst part is that the minute you think you're past it, it starts all over again.

And always, every time, it tales your breath away.

There are 5 stages of grief.

They look different on all of us.

But there are always five.

Denial.

Anger.

Bargaining.

Depression.

Acceptance.

~grey's anatomy ♥

not that i'm grieving, its just beautiful. (:

semester one is coming to an end! i would say wow that was fast..but nah it felt like forever to me! 11 days more to homeeeee, to my baby! and 12 days to the awesomest trip of my life? hehehe..i hope soooo :D

can't wait to hold my furry baby in my arms againnn!♥

tik tok

2011-06-06T05:36:00.001-07:00

the clock is ticking and its 20 days more to my baby boyyyy! u know u miss him so freaking much when u dream bout him missing u. hehe :D

straight in a straight line running back to you.♥

leaving him again will probably be the hardest thing in the world to do ever. after all the initial excitement is gone. leaving again will be the hardest thing ever. but 20 days to the best month of my life ever. it will be. (:

affirmative.

2011-05-31T23:05:00.000-07:00

I believe the sun should never set upon an argument
I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands
I believe that junk food tastes so good because it's bad for you
I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do
I believe that beauty magazines promote low self esteem
I believe I'm loved when I'm completely by myself alone

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love 'til you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I believe you can't control or choose your sexuality
I believe that trust is more important than monogamy
I believe your most attractive features are your heart and soul
I believe that family is worth more than money or gold
I believe the struggle for financial freedom is unfair
I believe the only ones who disagree are millionaires

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love 'til you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I believe forgiveness is the key to your unhappiness
I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed
I believe that God does not endorse tv evangelists
I believe in love surviving death into eternity

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love 'til you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye
Until you say goodbye

~affirmation , savage garden

come home~

2011-05-27T00:00:00.001-07:00

1 month more till i go home! i am so psyched! but not as psyched as before.

come home soon please. (:

30 days more baby! ♥

and that means exams are soooon too! major nerd mode ons, i hope! :D

alone

2011-05-20T05:04:00.000-07:00

there's a reason i said i'd be happy alone
it wasn't cause i thought i'd be happy alone
it was because if i thought i loved someone
and then it fell apart
i might not make it
it's easier to be alone
because what if you learn that you need love
and then you don't have it
what if you like it
and lean on it
what if you shaped your life around it
and then it falls apart
can you even survive that kind of pain
losing love is like organ damage
it's like dying
the only difference is death ends
this?
it could go on forever

~grey's anatomy ♥

FOOOOOOD!

2011-05-18T00:01:00.000-07:00

Bak kut teh, Nandos!, fish n co!, hokkien mee, duck, lemon chicken, seafood!!, dave's deli, village park Nasi lemak, mian dui mian pan mee, white chicken rice, snowflakes, tutti frutti!!, ham Dan sotong!, Tom yum!!, udon chicken terriyaki, ikea meatballs, pavlova delicious, kfc cheesy wedges, pizza hut lasagna, murni!, big apple donuts, uno!, dim sum, Nasi briyani, seapark chicken rice, teppanyaki, euro deli pork ribs, char koey tiao, kanna fried chicken

My ever growing list of food that I'm craving!! *stomach growlllllls! I really hope my dad will be home the entire month I'm back so we can slowly tick off my list! :D and with zackieee of course! Fish n co YUM!(:

39 days more baybeh! I can't freaking waiiiiiiit! And 'the must trip' and junyit BFF! haha. And my baby boy of course! Soo much waiting for me at home! *fingers crossed on reaching the airport and boarding the right plane and reaching klia! (my sense of direction sucks!) haha :D

39 DAYS MOREEEE! ♥

because on most days, its real.

2011-05-09T20:58:00.000-07:00

so after about 3 months living in a dorm, all i can say is it's one hell of a ride. some days its so bad you just wanna go home, some days its so good you just wanna stay forever. the fact that i'm all alone and having all the freedom in the world is exhilarating. the fact that i can go out whenever i want with whoever i want is freaking awesome. (: hence, the few late night parties and even spontaneous late night pancakes. :D no parents asking who what where when questions anymore. of cos dorm mates makes everything better because without them nothing will be real.

yannadah which houses 39 people! :D

my first ever uni party. actually first ever late night party. (:

back to school party. (: mx, yoda, trixie and hils. :D

with sophie :D

trixie kongg!

the next uni partay - labcoat pubcrawl.
basically everyone will be in white coats walking around from pub to pub. pretty cool when u see people walking around everywhere in white coats. haha :D

while waiting for the rain to stop. with kathy and frank :D

3rd party - malaysian good boy party!

we decided to floral up! haha

good boy :D

my malaysian homies! yodaaa and trixieee

sweet ride from peter (security bus driver) straight to the destination as he was passing the area. awesomes.

plus mx - cool singaporean :D

and we go webcam crazy at times. :D
asian invasion. hahahaha

(Y) or (N)?

fishiess..
yodaaa! ehehehehheh :D

i laugh everytime i see this picta! hahahahaha

apparently my foot is like a fish.lol!

a nice one of us. (:

don't mess with us. (:

and we spend hours on end just chatting and bonding basically everyday. (: life's good.

but then there are days where you just want to be alone but can't. and that sucks at times. and stuffs that may break you happens easier when you are living in a dorm. but all of that has been put behind already.. (: good days triumphs bad days anytime. ♥

47 days more baby boy!♥

an all new level of low

2011-05-05T07:57:00.000-07:00

all new level of low. i didn't know i could feel like that again. had a sudden urge to rekindle all my burned out friendship and realized that's cos i just lost another

People are people and sometimes it doesn't work out
Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me

It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know it's not easy, easy for me
It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know this ain't easy, easy for me
~taylor swift , breathe

Once a sand castle is damaged, no matter how long you try and how hard you try to repair it, it will never go back to it's original shape again.
nothing will ever be the same again.

well tomorrow will be a brand new day.(: its the 50 days mark to home, finally. to my comfort zone, to my baby. and then everything will be alright again. ♥
i know i haven't been around physically but emotionally and spiritually, i'm always there ju. i'm never letting you go. i'll be there soon and we'll have a month of bliss. till then

i'll love you forever ju. ♥

someday

2011-05-01T04:29:00.000-07:00

maybe its time to take the backseat. get off the high horse and back down. after all i came here for a reason. (: its so ironic though the timing of everything even if its 4 years later. guess april is a cursed month. hahaha :D

i'll look at you the same way again, one day.

on a brighter note, 57 days more till i hold my baby boy againnnnn! :D I CAN'T WAIT! ♥

unpretty

2011-04-28T09:25:00.000-07:00

i'm not that strong you know, i am already so emotionally tired. its so hard now and you are making things so much harder. you have to choose an either or, i cannot handle an in between situation. not right now anyway. i need some recovery time. time to not think about this ordeal and look pass it. in the midst of all the laughter, its still nagging at the back of my mind. maybe its true that people who smile the most are the most disturbed.

Never insecure until I met you
Now I’m in stupid
I used to be so cute to me
Just a little bit skinny
Why do I look to all these things
To keep you happy
Maybe get rid of you
And then I’ll get back to me

My outsides look cool
My insides are blue
Everytime I think I’m through
It’s because of you
I’ve tried different ways
But it’s all the same
At the end of the day
I have myself to blame
Keep on trippin’
~glee, i feel pretty and unpretty

59 days more baby boy!!!

if only, if only

2011-04-27T06:40:00.000-07:00

if only, if only
the earth was flat
if only, if only
the world was black and white
if only, if only
the sun don't shine
if only, if only
you were genuine

the better days.

2011-04-23T08:43:00.000-07:00

right now at this moment, i hate you. i have hit rock bottom. you made me believe and i got fooled so easily. so angry and devastated at the same time. cos i just can't believe it. its like a split personality, a different person altogether. i feel so used and stupid. but i guess we learn from our mistakes. i will get over this ordeal and walk tall again. i don't think i will ever understand this scenario but i believe better days are yet to come. you ruined my brand new start. i could hate you and keep this anger or i could put this behind me and restart. and somehow find a way to forgive and forget and move forward since i have to continue living with you. i'll be the bigger person for once. better days are yet to come. i believe (:

the 6th day

2011-04-20T05:22:00.000-07:00

so in 6 days everything has changed. in 6 days, you have strung me in, wringed me dry, left me hanging on for dear life and still walk away without a care in the world. but in 6 days, i have watched along the sidelines waiting, waiting for a happy day. but i just get crap. 7 days before this, the situation would have been totally different, i wouldn't have given a shit and yet once again i'm letting go and no one knows. why bother starting something if you're not going to follow thru?

and my mum just knows how to make my whole day better... i was pretty excited to finally get a call from her from like ages.. obviously in over my head cos she wringed me drier than before.

i so need my baby boy in this f***ed up situation right now. having him around will just calm me down. and even if i'm hurting he makes me feel better. can't wait to go home and hold him tight cause he's all i have in the world that wouldn't disappoint me.

Because you're mine
Forever and almost always
When I'm fine
Just love me when you can
And I'll wait patiently
I'll wake up everyday
Just hoping that you'll still care

What am I still doing here

It's all becoming so clear

You'll be mine
Forever and almost always
It ain't right
To just love me when you can
I won't wait patiently
Or wake up everyday
Just hoping that you still care

Forever and almost always
No, it ain't right
To just love me when you can, baby
Ain't gonna wait patiently
I won't wake up everyday
Just hoping that you still care

~forever and almost always, kate voegele

time for some heart wrenching movie : hachiko :'(

67 days more.

fearless

2011-04-18T03:15:00.000-07:00

i think my life is a freaking cliche.. i make choices that leads to them. i hope i won't crash and burn once again. terrified once again.

To me, "FEARLESS" is not the absence of fear.
It's not being completely unafraid.
To me, FEARLESS is having fears.
FEARLESS is having doubts.
Lots of them.
To me, FEARLESS is living in spite of those things that scare you to death.
FEARLESS is falling madly in love again, even though you've been hurt before.
FEARLESS is walking into your freshmen year of high school at fifteen.
FEARLESS is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again …
even though every time you've tried before, you've lost.
It's FEARLESS to have hope that someday things will change.
FEARLESS is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can't breathe without them.
I think it's FEARLESS to fall for your best friend, even though he's in love with someone else.
And when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they'll never stop doing,
I think it's FEARLESS to stop believing them.
It's FEARLESS to say, "you're NOT sorry", and walk away.
I think loving someone despite what people think is FEARLESS.
I think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is FEARLESS.
Letting go is FEARLESS.
Then, moving on and being alright …
That's FEARLESS too.
But no matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it.
You have to believe in love stories and prince charmings and happily ever after.
That's why I write these songs.
Because I think love is FEARLESS.
~taylor swift

fearless. (:

69 days more baby boy. ♥

Happiness

2011-04-10T22:43:00.000-07:00

Happiness is just outside my window

Would it crash blowing 80-miles an hour?

Or is happiness a little more like knocking

On your door, and you just let it in?

Happiness feels a lot like sorrow

Let it be, you can't make it come or go

But you are gone- not for good but for now

Gone for now feels a lot like gone for good

Happiness is a firecracker sitting on my headboard

Happiness was never mine to hold

Careful child, light the fuse and get away

‘Cause happiness throws a shower of sparks

Happiness damn near destroys you

Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor

So you tell yourself, that's enough for now

Happiness has a violent roar

Happiness is like the old man told me

Look for it, but you'll never find it all

Let it go, live your life and leave it

Then one day, wake up and she'll be home

Home, home, home

~the fray, happiness

Mindf***ed!

2011-04-07T21:45:00.000-07:00

things were going perfectly fine. I was happy, we were all happy. No expectation whatsoever. Then the mindf**k-ing concept got planted in my brain. Now everything is falling apart cos I'm expecting so much more. Starting to fall apart again after so many careful years. And it's not the time. Cos I'm in over my head... Walking away before crashing and burning once again.

Love is illusive when you search for it and don't i know

happiness sometimes it just creeps in and don't i know it

I'm going crazy i've been wondering do you still feel alone?

I need to find some kind of peace of mind, I need to find

~ California,savage garden

81 freaking days more.

tried my best to be guarded..

2011-04-01T22:10:00.000-07:00

its just one of them bad days where 86 days seems a lifetime away and seems impossible to wait no more.. all this while i have stayed away from videos of juju cos everytime i watch one i would want to hold him again. ): but lately i have succumbed to them and it is not good.. leaving my glass half empty and leaving me broken inside. and then u are surrounded by people who has no clue whatsoever about loving an animal, about caring for someone so much that you will sacrifice anything for.. and it leaves you even more broken inside.

Today’s the day my life begins.
All my life I’ve been just me.
Today I become a man.
Today I become a husband.
Today I become accountable to someone other than myself.
Today I become accountable to you.
To our future.
To all the possibilities that a marriage has to offer.
Together, no matter what happens, I’ll be ready.
For anything.
For everything.
To take on life, to take on love.
To take on possibility and responsibility.
Today Izzie Stevens, our life together begins.
And I for one can’t wait.
~alex karev, grey's anatomy ♥

sweetest episode ever on grey's! i can watch that episode a million times without getting bored.. (:

hold on baby you're losing it
the water's high you're jumping in to it
and letting go and no one knows
that you cry but you don't tell anyone
that you might not be the golden one
and you're tied together with a smile but you're coming undone
~tied together with a smile, taylor swift

86 freaking days more.

100 days

2011-03-19T01:42:00.000-07:00

the milestone!

100 days before i hold my furry baby in my arms again! i can't waiiiiit! i miss him sooooooooo much all the time! ): because leaving him was the hardest thing i ever had to do.

i miss u baby boy.

so freaking much...

because we were made for each other..

dear john

2011-03-14T05:20:00.000-07:00

The song "Dear John" is sort of like the last email you would ever send to someone that you used to be in a relationship with. Usually people write this venting last email to someone and they say everything that they want to say to that person, and then they usually don't send it. I guess by putting this song on the album I am pushing send.

TAYLOR SWIFT IS FREAKING AWESOMEEEE! :D

105 days more baby...

GLUTEUS MAXIMUS

2011-03-10T04:57:00.000-08:00

KILL ME ! For getting hit on by a freaking horny guy that is so proud of his freaking ASS!

so after two weeks of uni, all i can say is physiotherapy is a f***ing tough course!! x.x its second week and i already feel like i'm so behind! T.T

on the bright side, i just attended my first uni partayyyyyyy! it was legen-等一下-dary!!!! OMG how i met your mother is cracking me up!! hahaha! anyways it was like total culture shock walking into the party! everyone there is just horny!!! everywhere u look, people will be making out! hahaha. and details will not be revealed here! :D an epic night! one drink was all it takes for me to be tipsy! fail much! hahahaha.

time to go back to work! i'm totally one and a half weeks behind already! omg *kills self n die!

first day of school

2011-02-26T04:42:00.000-08:00

7 months later with 6 months of blissful ignorance in gap while my brain rusted and having bad habits elevating, i am starting school again in a day. doing a math question now is a major challenge, sitting down to read is a marathon and tearing my eyes away from the computer is a major dilemma in my brain. basically, i am screwed. its the first day of school again, i am terrified if not a little excited. being accepted by one of the best university in the world was and will always be a dream come true. but damn the pressure is going to set in hard! :O being in a class filled with aussies is gonna be tough getting used to and studying bio again will be tough! i hope i survive! (:

i am a university student and i'm turning 20. hey, when did that happen? :/

121 days to go baby..

the good days

2011-02-23T04:53:00.000-08:00

okokok so i'm in a suuper good mood cos i just had the BEST pancakes i ever had in my lifeee! hahaha.:D we went to pancakes on the rocks after o-week!

while waiting for the pancakes! :D

yummy!!! :D

and usyd main campus is soooo prettay! and happening! cumberland is soo ... ahaha. all the clubs are in main campus so health science students are lifeless?? unfair much?? haha..

the hallway as seen on the usyd wesite! :D

o-week but we can't join any! boo

and bondi on tuesday! :D

so prettayyyy!

first time experiencing a beach cold..hahaha. too bad it rained. ):

so classes starts on monday. and my class is filled with guai lous! intimidating muchhhh! haha. hope everything will be coooool! till then! (:

toodles :D (this is wat happen when there's a front camera to a phone.;D)

123 days to go baby...

career or baby?

2011-02-17T04:22:00.000-08:00

sooo i had a very deep thought about my future..hahaha, since when, i know..ahaha. anyways was thinking about whether or not i will stay or return in the future. and i really don't wanna miss out on my baby boy's life. u know dogs don't live forever so i don't want to regret in the future when the unthinkable happens. i miss him so much right now, it hurts. ): nobody gives me morning call, eats with me, sleep with me, go toilet with me, greet me when i'm back, give me a goodnight kiss and the list continues. everytime i eat chicken, i still tend to see parts that he can eat and feel like giving him but ): even if he forgets me, i won't forget him. ): everytime i see a dog on a street, my heart weeps. T.T hence, major dilemma here..

but since its 4 years down the road, i will spend the next 4 years thinking. hahaha.. till then, 18 weeks till i hug my furry bolster again! (: and sydney's been tiring! i have walked for hours on end being lost! or just to a destination that was super failll! ): we walked 8.4 km today to shop. n we didn't find any shopping places or mall! ): fail muchhhhh.T.T but its good exercise! hahaha. i'm still feeling no connection with people here to the point that i can be a bu-ang! aww i miss gap people! ): but classes are starting soooon! i can't waiiit actually hahaha.

and usyd main campus is HUGEEEEE! beyong imagination. it takes up like the whole street on both sides. @@ and its very hogwarts-ey! hahaha.. it would be so much fun studying there i guess instead of grassland! haha..
this is like 1 out of 20 plus buildings! @@ cool-ness..ahha

but i guess people in cumbo will be family-like? i hope sooooooo!

132 days to go baby..

Wateva to get thru the day

2011-02-09T22:01:00.000-08:00

sooo i have been internet deprived! ): and i guess ppl in sydney generally just enjoy each other's company, hence the scarce wi-fi. which SUCKS! anyway i honestly am not enjoying my time here in sydney YET(hopefully). cos i miss my baby boy way tooooo much. and i worry about him all the time. ):

picture from home.. ='( he couldn't stop complaining. ):

anyways my campus is like secluded grassland..which kinda sucks for me. ): at night there are only 30 odd ppl around. and i stay in my room onlining and ppl think i'm anti social but who caressss.. (: i guess i will have fun when classes starts. i can't wait for that. now its just boringgg..): and i reached on saturday - the hottest day ever in sydney wtf 41 degress siao! which dropped to 19 the next day..PMS weather muchhh! ahahha.

i'm sooo bored. coming here make me miss my job at gap 10 folds. ): that schedule somehow is so comfortable for me. even though its quite hectic n stressful at times, its like my comfort zone. now its just hard to get up in the morning..zzz. and the time difference sucks! when i'm online, nobody is online. SIGHs. am feeling super doggie-sick. ): n home sick too i guess. i always envisioned myself here and now that i'm here, i wanna be back. D=

guess its a temporary feeling i hopeeee. ): wonder how my baby is doing right now. he must be so lonely, like me. ): 19 more weeks till i hold him in my arms again. (: we gotta do anything to get thru the day rite. so till then.. when i'm happy i'll talk about sydney.ehehe (:

brand new

2011-01-28T06:35:00.000-08:00

LIFE!

so one week before leaving, i have gotten over gap somewhat. even though i still peep into the shop but the longing feeling has diminished, or so i hope. monday will be the day i bid my goodbye and walk away for real..

and i bawled like a baby with juju on friday. wondering how he'll be when i'm gone.. i know he's gonna be alright cos he's a strong little boy! we will make it.♥

even though its nearly 2 months later but we finally met and yum cha-ed and it was pretty darn awesome. (: am.still.enchanted.to.meet.you. (:

so helloo to a brand new life with brand new friends. brand.new.beginning. i am terrified, i'll admit it. but i am intrigued by this whole new beginning. till then!(:

closure

2011-01-20T09:37:00.000-08:00

basically i spend 80% of my waking hours in gap for the last 6 months.. closure sucks, closure is making me emo...=(

lunch with steven!♥

farewell party - karaoke night! ♥

babyyy! ♥♥ baby just say yes~

jefff! ♥♥ i am a cow~ (hahaha)

stevee!♥♥ you were there for summer dreaming~

♥♥♥

farewell gift from penny, steven, emily, jeff, jumaat, lesle and cristina!!♥♥♥

so can i cry now?

webcam (:

2011-01-14T10:32:00.000-08:00

smileeee

:D:D

put ur hands up yo! (:

juju peace out! =D

missing gap muchhh! ):

there's a gap in my life now...

2011-01-08T07:24:00.000-08:00

last night, i walked away from gap for the last time, literally. walked away from my store room (store room manager CHEH), walked away from my happy place, walked away from my safe sanctuary with crazy schedules and routines that i love and hate at the same time. i have laughed there, cried there, ate there, slept there, walked a million miles there, had the best days and worst days of my life there. and now 6 months and 1 week later, it is officially over. i was overwhelmed with emotions walking away. i never knew walking away from a job could be this emotional....

I still remember the first time walking into gap and finding for steven for the interview and was immediately wow-ed by my boss. was wow-ed by how young he looked and how good looking he was and how well mannered and soft spoken he was. in other words i 'lam' my boss from the first conversation. haha! his interview was ohh so cute as well. replacing the word 'fat' with 'fleshy' and grinning while saying it. i wanted to laugh out loud but that would have got me fired even before i started? haha! but i'm so glad steven hired me, i am so glad my mum made that ridiculous phone call that landed me this awesome job with the best boss ever! if not i would have been working in opera shit place? eww? haha.

and so first day of work...walked in like a lost sheep in a foreign place without any expectations whatsoever. steven took out a big box of foreign objects to me at that time which turn out to be sensor tags. he said in the super cool-i don't-know-you-hence-i'm-so-soft-spoken voice to count them with no errors. i was like okok sure! god knows how many times i lost count that day hehe! he asked me to count 2000 pieces but there was only 1750 piece. i went out to inform him and he apologized profusely. how can i not 'lam'? haha! but then there was the 'hey get back to your job la, if not no need to do anything?' part. but he said it with class so (:. and then the customer who was arguing with steven because of me. steven never raised his voice once, he came over and told me nicely.(: and steven just loved calling me candle and being super amused when i responded to that name and hence the name stuck. (: and even though there was a full timer who just treated me like crap from the start but there was this whole group of part timers who just welcomed me in without questioning. needless to say, i loved my job by the end of the week.

pretty soon my life became a routine and even though it was tiring, i loved every day of it. having the best boss ever and a new bunch of friends. working life could not have been better for me. 2nd month came along and i got closer to people like cynthia, jeff mousey and cristina. i was laughing, gossiping away while working. life could not be better. and somehow the sensor tag job became my job. they always come looking for me to count them. even on my last day, i was asked to do so but i refused! HAH! =D

and then the 3rd month came and everything changed. this was one of the darkest period in gap for me. firstly, steven abandoned us for gap kids! and he asked his ex gf's friend to replace him-emily. i decided to stay cause i couldn't imagine leaving gap early. it would have felt so incomplete plus jeff was a (Y) LOD. (: not that i ever admitted it. hehe.. hence, emily came in and she was a world apart from steven. she treated us like maid somewhat. we started to dislike her and there was one major fallout where she was just plain rude. i hated her then. besides that, cynthia had left me behind. ): they brought in ryan as his mum was a regular customer, they had no choice. man, he was one spoilt brat. my blood pressure was tested to the limit in that two weeks. and then he quit! BEST DAY OF MY LIFE! =D and then mousey took one week off from work. that was the most boring time of my life in gap.. customers were so scarce, it was like boredom to the topmost level. quitting floated in my mind everyday.. but it would be too awkward then, hence i hung on. and boy am i glad i did. (:

4th month came along and went by real fast. i have vague memories of this month. zack lai tuck chuang joined the gap family this month. we hated him on his first day of work instantly! cos he was emily's fren and super lan ci! but he opened up on the 2nd day and he's currently my bbf! wow! hahahaha.. but i was really tired during this period. tired of hating my fat boss, tired of feeling so helpless, just plain tired. and so i decided to take a break in november, my birthday week. so november came and jeff changed somehow. he became really conceited and mean. and i hated him at one dark point... and then my birthday came and my long awaited break came! but someone came along and changed the cards for me. i met a new friend! a guy who worked in gap gardens-lucas. (: i have talked to him numerous times on the gap phone but have never met before. and he came over one day in october and in his words, was stunned? LOL! anyway he wished me happy birthday thru message, fb chat with me and called all on the same day. -.- i was stunned! hahaha. but it was the beginning of a beautiful friendship? he made me miss gap! so my one week break was just spent missing gap. haha!

and then there was december. i started the month off thinking wow its my last month, time really flies~ and so i appreciated my time there.. a new part timer came in-mr. bean! hahaha. funny and sometimes pms-y dudee! but he was one funny bean dude. hahaha. then come mid month, jeff suddenly became a happy boy. he was chatting so much and making mean snide remarks that can make me laugh my heart out! haha. sales time came and we were all so busy all the time! hence, i extended.... i decided to work till jan 7th as i felt like there was no closure if i ended on the 31st. as we didn't have time for a proper goodbye. plus jeff asked me to work till 9th! i know he will miss me and my hardworking self even if he doesn't admit it! hahahahaha. (: and then there was a gap karaoke party on the 5th. even though it was a little too wild, i'm glad i went. (:

cristina and sue ann a.k.a baby! (:

cristina, sueann, bean, karman, me, emily and jeff. (:

bu angs!
scandal much! (:

another round on the 19th! can't wait baybeh..=D

steveen! my best boss everrrr! super nice but can be quite strict.. but he's so hardworking so of cos we will be hardworking toooo! (: my world shifted when he left gap adults..by the sounds of other outlets, steven seems to be the best? i will remember him always! n he sayang me from my first day! hehehe! even though i was such a klutz during the ohh so cute interview..hehe! ♥

cynthia! one of the first person i met in gap. absolutely enjoyed the time i gossiped and laughed with her! it never felt the same after she left. ): she and jeff had a scandal! hahahahaha! and she's sweet enough to have told me 'i wanna spend more time with u mah ):' before. LOVES! ♥

sue ann! baby! she was the new part timer with me too in july! then she left and came back in december! (: had tutti frutti LOVE from her! she can wear 10 years old kids clothes! hence the name baby! hahaha.
cristina baby! if u ask who am i closest with in gap. my answer will definitely be cristina! even though she can be grandma-ish at times. hahaha. she started work one week after me. and has been there for me for the whole 6 months. lovelovelove! i seldom get too close with girls but she somehow is different. (: i am gonna miss her sososo much! ): ♥

jeff mousey! he laughs like a mouse and loves cheese cake hence... (: even though he drives me nuts at times and even though he is damn grandpa-ish, (we call him lulu-grandpa in philipino. hehe.) i cannot imagine enjoying my time in gap without him. he makes mean remarks like 'see that girl, she's twice of u' HAHAHA! and calls me fat all the time! i still adore him. one of the reasons i stayed on when everything seemed so sucky. (:

lesle bu ang! hehehe.. i have to admit i didn't like her when she first came but she changed and i came to adore her too! she was the one to introduce me to lucas too. (: she loves to whack my ass and tell me how fat i am already! and teach me all the dirty philipino words! hahaha.. i'm gonna miss her bu ang-ness! (:
zack lai tuck chuangggg! as i mentioned, we hated him the first day he walked in! but he did a 360 degree change and we all adored him after. even though i had a major argument with him once, we made it thru and now lo and behold bff's! we are having a long distance bbf relationship. haha! as he is now in uk for the month! and will be back for about 5 days before i leave. ): miss him already. ): my advisor! hehehe.

ah bean!! hahaha.. i think i hated most of the part timers that came in except ah bean! and laura and zack. (: we call him mr bean cos his actions are like mr bean-blur and retarded! haha.. even though i want to kill him at times, he really grew on me.. (:

i somehow absolutely adore this pic! it shows how happy we are. (:

my locker on any regular day. it may look damn junk-y but at least all my junk is in one place!

the locker i leave behind after work. i had to clean it out on my last day. it totally felt like i've been fired! T.T

so saddening! ):
the store room i have grown to live in, sleep in and i have the title store room manager! hehehe..

20 bucks name tag! hahaha
which i had to peel my name off. ):

which i stuck onto my wall! (:

and i had the pleasure of working in gap kids for a few days. my total dream come true. but hey i realized i enjoyed so much more in adults. kids was so boring! so maybe my dream list is not all that great. (:

so i walked away for the last time from gap last night. walked out with jeff for the last time. holding back my overwhelming emotions while waiting to go home.. my heart felt so heavy and the reality did not sink in till the morning after where it sunk in hard... people often ask how i can take it working for 6 months in the same place and that wouldn't i be bored and want to change my job? but the truth is, i enjoyed working there so much. i laughed there everyday, i was more myself there than anywhere else. at home i was the total opposite. so now i'm lost. wat do i do now that i have no more place to go to.. people also said just go back to work again when i am on holidays. but really, things will never be the same. i will never go back to work there only because i know things would be so different cause people change everyday.. i would like to remember gap as this happy place i have been in rather than go back and have a different experience. i walk away from gap last night with a lifetime of memories and i will keep them for life. (: i have been blessed to have the perfect first job of my life. i have no regrets whatsoever walking away.. i guess 19th will be the closure for me. till then, its not really over yet.

it took me about 2 days to write this really long post. i don't think i've written this long in a long long time. but its worth it. i can read this again 10 years later and remember all the times i had in gap.

everything has its first. this is my first job. i will remember this for life. (: and even though i walked away holding back tears, i walked away contented.

with love♥ ,
lilynn a.k.a candle. (:

goodbye 2010

2011-01-01T07:26:00.000-08:00

first of all good riddance 2010! you have been one boring and stressful year! started the year off with a2 buzzing around.. and dated a 30 year old guy? middle of the year saw mind boggling stress with the big letdown and the big fall out.. and then gap became my life.. and the farewells and last gatherings.. it was a fun and tiring ride all the wayyy! and i ended the year nearly dating a 28 year old guy? wtf no more older guys! (: goodbye 2010.. goodbye to the shitty days.. 2011 will be awesome. i know it. =D

HAPPY NEW YEAR! (:

my baby♥

2010-12-27T07:35:00.000-08:00

so its the time of the year again! my baby all grown up! :'( i feel like a proud mama. haha! anyway quite sad this year no more maid to celebrate with him at 12 midnight. and me too dead to do so. had my first mc in 6 months on his birthday eve. :( buut we celebrated for him on the day with a cheese cake!

he's smiling! ♥

♥

his frustrated-i wanna eat cake look! (:

he stared at me so hard when i ate his cake! haha. my demanding doggie. love my baby so much! i'm gonna miss him soo much when i go to aussie! i wonder how he'll be when i leave but i'll skype him always. ): can see but cannot touch.T.T i just hope he will be alright when i'm not around and that he'll remember me!

my baby's all grown up. but i still cannot bear leaving him. ): love u baby juju!♥

cos this is it, it might all be gone tomorrow

2010-12-09T00:19:00.000-08:00

these few days, i have realize things about myself. i smile n laugh all the time. people have always ask me why. and i'll be dumbfounded but i guess its a habit since young. as i was a really shy kid, whenever anybody talked to me, i just smiled. easiest way out eh. now a decade later, i have broken out of that shell but the smile still sticks. its annoying at times as i smile when ppl are having a fit at me and they will think i'm a freaking joke or when i'm pissed n my mouth will still fail me.

and i had a rough couple of days where i blew up. first was at work where i got pissed n a string of ffff's. ahah. but it just took me an hour to cool off and i was back to normal with all the :D :D! and yesterday again where i was let down. pissed off for a while and i slept it off and i'm back to normal again.

but if u have been tormenting me for years on end where it gets build up in me day by day, there'll come a day where the trigger goes off, where there's no way of return. so yea when u push me off the edge, i can stay angry for 6 months or forever. cos i am done with the shit i have been accepting. u know ppl with the perfect family life will never understand this but seriously? the scars on my body may just be well a scar but the heart will never be just a scar. i have been living in fear most of the time whenever he steps in the same room, my heart races. i'm afraid all the time. and then he pulled the trigger and i'm angry all the time in my own house. wat kinda life is that? i read my old post and i once was the whole family girl person. but things change along the way, u changed, i changed. everything changed.

i need to leave this lifestyle n take a breather. i am so relieved to be leaving this shit but at the same time so many things are pulling me back. but we gotta look forwards. i believe this will be the best thing that is going to happen to me for a long time coming now n i am so glad for this opportunity. n well i will cherish this last 2 months in malaysia cos who knows wat is going to happen tomorrow or next week. cos life always brings more. (:

life

2010-12-03T09:10:00.000-08:00

omgosh had a sudden emo moment thinking that its my last month in gap. it seem ages ago when i started and everything was like a dream. loved my job from the very first day thanks to my oh so handsome boss. (: now 5 months have passed. time really flies. thinking bout my last day makes me sad. i duno how life's gonna be without gap. ): gap has grown so much on me. always so light hearted and cheerful in gap. when i'm home, its like i'm a totally different person. hmm

and screw the ironyyy. i have to meet this wonderful guy two months before leaving malaysia when i've been living in this damn country for 19 looooong years eh! screwww!

Here I was again tonight forcing laughter, faking smiles
Same old tired, lonely place
Walls of insincerity
Shifiting eyes and vancancy vanished when I saw your face
All I can say is it was enchanting to meet you
~taylor swift, enchanted

♥

turning 19 on the 19th (:

2010-11-25T03:40:00.001-08:00

so i am now 19 years oldd! the age i have always thought of when i was a little kid only because my birth date is 19.. spend the whole morning n afternoon with juju.LOVE.. and set off for 1u in the evening with jane, mun wai n xian hui!

fish n co. the new design is really prettyyyy! (:

birthday carddd..

oh so pretty wrapping!
which turned out to be sparks babyy!

while we ended the day in tutti frutti.

had a double pleasant surprise with an sms from somebody. (: while reading, some private number called me n when i answer there was this dude whispering shit n it turned out to be JUN YIT BFF! hahaha.. he was whispering bff bff n i was like 'who the hell is this' hahahahah! but that was soo sweet! had a great time. thankss babess n dude. ahahaha.

and sat night went to jake's charbroil with the family.

cos looking alike is coool. ;D

(:

and sunday went out with elyse, siew li, zhi yuen and mukand! went to deliciousss cos of a certain vegetarian ;) hahaha.
elyse milo partner! (:
siew li! (:
mukand the vegetarian! (:

aww ;D

watched harry potter after that! it was awesome! (: totally worth the money..=D n thats how i spent my birthday! the last one in malaysia? hmm..

LOVES! ♥

cos she's emotional that way (:

2010-11-25T03:17:00.000-08:00

deluxe edition baybehh! ♥

so loving her songs! personal favourites have to be last kiss which is oh so emo n perfect. (: and dear john definitely which can be related to. =) back to december will be another. those are just my personal favourites but all the songs in this speak now album is just awesome! replaying day in daay out in gap n i will never be bored even though everyone else is n keep changing my song! and her deluxe edition's ours is loveee! that could be the theme of my life in the near future but i doubt it. but its still a genius songg! (:

and damn she's not coming to malaysia! n i won't be around anymore when she goes to singapore..T.T

and this one week off has left me boredd.. ran out of things to do at home. n missing gap much! it will definitely be difficult to leave. ='(

or do i

2010-11-23T19:10:00.000-08:00

taylor swift - ours♥
Elevator buttons and morning air,
Strangers silence makes me wanna take the stairs.
If you were here we'd laugh about their vacant stares,
But right now my time is theirs.
Seems like there's always someone who disapproves.
They'll judge it like they know about me and you
And the verdict comes from those with nothing else to do
The jury's out, but my choice is you.

(Chorus)
So don't you worry your pretty little mind,
People throw rocks at things that shine
and life makes love look hard.
The stakes are high, the water's rough
But this love is ours.

You never know what people have up their sleeves,
Ghosts from your past gonna jump out at me.
Lurking in the shadows with their lipgloss smiles,
But I don't care.
Cause right now you're mine.
And you'll say

(Chorus)
Don't you worry your pretty little mind,
People throw rocks at things that shine
and life makes love look hard.
The stakes are high, the water's rough
But this love is ours.

And it's not theirs to speculate if it's wrong and
Your hands are tough but they are where mine belong in.
I'll fight their doubt and give you faith with this song for you.

Cause I love the gap between your teeth
and I love the riddles that you speak.
And any snide remarks from my father about your tattoos will be ignored
Cause my heart is yours.

(Chorus)
So don't your worry your pretty little mind,
People throw rocks at things that shine
And life makes love look hard.
Don't worry your pretty little mind,
People throw rocks at things that shine
But they can't take what's ours
They can't take what's ours
The stakes are high, the water's rough
But this love is ours.

i hope this does not become the theme of my life in the future. (:

the best days (:

2010-11-20T08:53:00.000-08:00

life's a ball. embrace it! don't avoid it. people may surprise u anytime...(:

FUCK U

2010-11-11T03:49:00.000-08:00

and u wonder why i hate him so much. i fucking hate him. i am not related to him at all for all i care. no fucking respect whatsoever. i fly out of this country. i will never acknowledge him ever again. and i don't give a fucking damn. fuck you

(:

2010-11-08T07:52:00.000-08:00

i realize that i have not have any emo poems or stuff like that in a long time. guess i'm having more fun than i know in gap. (: i feel like i found this place where i can just laugh n not feel embarrassed again as i have before at the pool. even though some stuffs are shitty but still life's not perfect. (: n i am officially flying off in exactly 3 months! i'm SUPER excited but i'm gonna miss juju so much. =( i'm gonna miss gap so much too..(:

hey, you're a lucky girl, cherish him. (:

broken

2010-10-26T09:25:00.000-07:00

because its the first movie that made me cry in the cinemas shamelessly and because it reminds me so much of my baby and because i wonder if my baby will behave like that..

i absolutely adore this movie!♥

hachiko : a dog's story. (: based on a true story bout a jap dog..

just like juju ♥

and because its the first time since i was a kid that i watched a movie with my mum. LOL!

totally wringed me dry! left my heart in pieces and left me wanting juju more than ever!

♥

no

2010-10-18T07:51:00.000-07:00

everything seems to be so small in perspective to life now. problems seems to be so minuscule when you're fighting for every breath, fighting for another day of laughter, fighting, just constantly fighting. giving up for a second means the end. what do you do then?

Did you say it?
'I love you. I don't ever want to live without you. You changed my life.'
Did you say it?
Make a plan.
Set a goal.
Work toward it, but every now and then, look around
Drink it in.
Cause this is it.
It might all be gone tomorrow.
~grey's anatomy

fight please. my heart won't take it. not then, not now, not ever.

2010-10-08T09:00:00.000-07:00

the good old days. =(

2010-09-29T09:34:00.000-07:00

proof that my new boss sucks! i made one simple request to steven last time that is off days on weekdays only and he always gave it to me.♥ him and then she comes n then nearly all my off days on weekends! n she says steven told me already but bla bla bla bla. wtf u suck

farewells and farewells. =(

2010-09-15T04:12:00.000-07:00

everyone is leaving to uk d. =( hence, last gathering, last last gathering, gathering before last gathering etc. (:

pasta zanmai! (:

went to haruzen with junyit da boss! (:

and the epic LAST GATHERING! haha.

circle of death! indeed...

attending all the way from aussie! (:

i will not explain this pic. (:

and the last last gathering. =D they made it formal n failed to tell me so resulting in borrowed dress from med with sneakers and steven going 'wah why suddenly wear skirt wan?' (i was wearing a hoodie cos i too paiseh. (: )and glancing at my legs.LOL!

girls!(:

jane. (:

floral! =D

BFF! (:
high 5 buddy! (:

the past few days have been epic.

on the flipside, work has been sucky. we need steven! ):

♥

2010-09-04T09:25:00.000-07:00

i'm gonna miss my baby so much. =(

a past so deep that even you could not bury if you tried

2010-08-31T09:51:00.000-07:00

lifehouse - blind
I was young but I wasn't naive
I watched helpless as you turned around to leave
and still I have the pain I have to carry
a past so deep that even you could not bury if you tried

after all this time
I never thought we'd be here
never thought we'd be here
when my love for you was blind
but I couldn't make you see it
couldn't make you see it
that I loved you more than you'll ever know
a part of me died when I let you go

I would fall asleep
only in hopes of dreaming
that everything would be like is was before
but nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting
they disappear as reality is crashing to the floor

after all this time
I never thought we'd be here
never thought we'd be here
when my love for you was blind
but I couldn't make you see it
couldn't make you see it
that I loved you more than you'll ever know
a part of me died when I let you go

after all this time
would you ever wanna leave it
maybe you could not believe it
that my love for you was blind
but I couldn't make you see it
couldn't make you see it
that I loved you more than you will ever know
a part of me died when I let you go
and I loved you more than you'll ever know
a part of me dies when I let you go

♥

everything has change.. the first month was bliss.. no more best boss ever. =(
but then again i rather be there.

can't wait to go aussie n enjoy some freedom at last! (:

farewells =(

2010-08-25T06:34:00.000-07:00

so i've been working for nearly 2 months.. and just when things were looking up, someone came to darken them.. now everything has change.. its so ironic that a friendship could be trashed just like that..anywayss, cynthia left me yesterday! T.T now i so-lo part timer except for weekends when joan comes.. =(

scandal! lol! she dumped him the day after cos he too thin, she don't feel safe.. wtf HAHAHA!

cynthia!
mouse boy! hahahaha.. he drives me nuts! hahaha

another 4 months to go! i'll survive. (: even with disgusting transvestites, i'm still having fun n i for one can't imagine my last day. =(

2010-08-17T20:34:00.000-07:00

of transvestites and disgusting malays, i'm starting to despise my job. FUCK!

2010-08-15T08:26:00.000-07:00

how come you can't hate someone just because you're blood related when blood may be the greatest poison of all?

(:

2010-08-12T07:18:00.000-07:00

so today was the day! and it ended with SMILESS! =D

epic lah..its like history repeating! hahahaha.. then went off to college to have white chicken rice! ♥ anyways all the hours in the library studying, stalking boy boy! or librarians and having animal planet sessions were paid off lah..all those hours for this few seconds of bliss.. so worth it!♥

-.-

2010-08-04T00:50:00.000-07:00

i don't understand how some guys can be so childish.. ohh wait let me rephrase that sentence.. i don't understand how some OLDER (27-31) guys can be so childish! my goodness.. did u actually think that i was going to date u?! i have a life. (: but u'll be gone in few days so its ok! =D i have enough bugs to last me a lifetime! T.T

even though all this is happening

I AM STILL LOVING MY JOB LAH! ♥

who knew working could be so fun! best boss ever lah! ♥

it was soo worth it getting scolded by that sohai chinese dude for this job in gap! ♥

happy anniversary!♥

2010-07-29T04:34:00.000-07:00

my slidey phone is one year old! =D even though u hang a little at random times and have a little scratch here and there, i still love u.(:

on another note, its my flippy one year death date..T.T
=(

i am so loving my job!♥ n i think i'm gonna work in gap kids for 3 days! even though we already planned to berparty downstairs but i have to go up..=( haha! but its a tick off my to-do-list before i die. haha! ♥

HOT HOT HOT!

2010-07-23T06:02:00.000-07:00

whoa whoa whoa..best customer ever today! hahahahahahhaha! even my boss went waa handsome ah..ahahahahha..i served him! his smile..woooo..=D my boss was laughing like shit at me blushing after he left..HAHA!

now everyone thinks i'm a nut case for not wanting the weekend off..=(

sohai

2010-07-15T06:31:00.000-07:00

i don't get some ppl.. its like their brain is shot or something, the way they think is just different.. -.-

so i met this person in form one? by form 2(2005) i sorta felt irritated already and now finally in 2010, july, ties are cut.. finally! just a short list of things this person did that ppl will just go wtf, wat is wrong with her..

firstly, during college graduation, the day i starved so i wouldn't have any tummy so i would look good for the night. so elyse and siew li is coming up to me n saying 'no tummy also lah' n me feeling yeah it worked! but this person asked me to 'suck it in'? come on, if a skinny person said that to me, i'll be like ohh okay yeah..but this person has a body like

THIS!

please, do u not own a mirror or is your mirror freaking contorted?! i do admit that i have a tummy, yeah.. but i don't ask a skinny person to suck it in? i can suck it in n look good.. you? how much u suck, its not going to work at all. gym everyday? please, are u dreaming? yeah u can qualify to join biggest loser but i think ppl will vote u off in the first week with that attitude. i remember when i wanted to teach swimming to little kids, this person said 'later the kids say why my teacher's tummy so big wan?' i have refrained from insulting you but there's a limit. i mean the cellulite n tummy joke is between me n elyse, in other words skinny girls, not FAT b****es.

secondly, during class especially physics class, when mr. k is teaching, this person will tap the table tap the chair tap anything! its so damn fucking annoying especially when you're trying to concentrate on physics and u hear 'tap tap tap tap tap tap'. its not like u can ignore it as it is so damn fucking loud! even if u don't like the lecturer, be considerate towards others? skip class, yeah, everyone is happier when u skipped physics. ever realize why nobody tried to talk u out of skipping class? cos at the end of the day, its your freaking loss, not ours.. not only that, she doodles on your notes, drawing all the stupid smileys like 'XD'. please la, ppl are trying to concentrate? and i heard from elyse during further maths class while she's concentrating hard, u will tap her n say 'miaoww'. u think u're being cute? its fucking retarded.

thirdly, smses like 'weijen with alot of hearts at the back' is freaking retarded. this person sent them to ppl like siewli, elyse, peiyee n god knows who else. come on, u are freaking desperate for guys. -.- who smses a guy saying 'lalala' or 'boo XD'? and she keeps saying 'i hope he n his gf break up soon!' pls la even if they break up (choi) u think he ever want u ah? he calls u a fat *censored*. ohh and the i dont want (someone) to come home cos he get to see his gf. -.- its not sad, its wtf.

next, she tells like the chronology of my whole love life to random ppl for example brynn. i dont even talk to him n she's telling him who i dated etc n all her facts are WRONG! i rmb her gossiping bout me to ppl like huei wen siew ming etc. say i talk to calvin alot after breaking up. -.- the only words i say to calvin are 'cal cal!' or 'freak!'. i dont get how that is alot.and the best part she told peiyee 'i think the post is about me. duno why she angry the whole world also know bout her love life wat' FUCKING SOHAI!

next, in redang, our sleeping plan was perfect, 15 ppl in 5 rooms of 3. all of a sudden when we reached, she goes 'i sleep with liki la, so not safe she sleep alone with 2 guys'. but in college ' she said wat its not like the guys is going to rape us rite? suddenly so concerned. -.- and liki asked to sleep with them. -.- but the best part was she suddenly told us liki was sleeping with us n she was sleeping in weijen's room. -.- weijen said 'i'm not sleeping tonight' so everything was ruined, 2 beds were wasted cos 8 guys slept in 2 rooms. cos face it which guy will want to sleep in the same room as her? probably get raped. well they did get camera raped. lol. next morning at about 6.45, calls were made to the other rooms. hey nobody asked for a wake up call ok, retard. then that wasn't enough when ppl didn't answer her calls. she walked up and down the corridor for an hour knocking on all the other 4 doors VERY VERY LOUDLY! i mean it sounded like hooves, just saying. when confronting her bout it, she says 'u guys didn't tell me to not wake u all up also'. i have no comment lah. thanks to her, the guys didn't get enough rest so they skipped snorkelling trips. she wanted everyone to be together but in the end, we were splitted further apart as everyone was trying to get away from her. yeah, good job. single handedly ruin things for everyone.

next, as u know she was sleeping with the guys, she still left her bras on the bed. -.- guys walking in n out, she couldn't care less.. are u cheap or wat? even after elyse told her nicely bout wat the guys said which was 'why she show her bras to the whole world', she just said 'swt then dont air a =.=' erm i have no comments also lah, speecless beyond speechless.

and i heard her gossiping bout me n elyse saying 'they're in their own bubble, even siewli doesn't like them' err hello, siew li doesn't like u. in fact she doesn't even want u to do pharmacy so u wouldn't find any excuse to call her to ask bout pharmacy stuffs. -.- and she said 'll know she has motion sickness, dunno why she nvr overcome it n always depend on other' WTF, HOW DO U OVERCOME MOTION SICKNESS? I desperately want to know too. -.- n i duno in wat way i have depended on others due to my motion sickness. in the boat back i just closed my eyes urging back the feeling of puking while i hear ur annoying voice disturbing ppl. -.-

get the picture? ohh n btw, do not go to australia, i would prefer to not see ur face ever. i tot it was over after form 5 but u enroled in sunway after saying u wouldn't want to see me, elaine n mw again. -.- ohh n elyse do not want u in nottingham as well. siewli just doesn't want u to do pharmacy. go annoy some other ppl. 6 years is enough. goodbye.

Nervess

2010-07-15T05:35:00.000-07:00

i know this is early jitters but i squirm everytime i think of august 12! T.T its not that far off man..its just 3 weeks of work with 3 off days away! and

dear sydney u, do u know that my heart jumps everytime i see that i have received an email! =(

watched eclipse today! not bad! it can be corny at times but thats romance! haha! =D ohh today was my first off day in 14 days! feels weird not stepping into gap..haha! 1u is like my 2nd home. in fact i spend more time there. haha! and there's no nice chicken rice in 1u at all! booooooooo (N)!

i need a leg massage!

2010-07-09T09:06:00.000-07:00

i'm sooooooooo tired! i have officially stood for about 67.5 hours..my legs are DEAD! but i'm loving my job and the $$$ i'm earning.. my boss is (Y)! and the other workers are (Y) too except one..LOL! i hope my legs will get use to this soon! =D

i dream about serving customers now..haha!

hello i just got to let u know..(:

2010-06-21T06:35:00.000-07:00

toy story 3 was AWESOME! mr dr evil pork chop! HAHAHA! spanish buzz.. now people know why spanish is so darn sexaay! hahaha.. i will learn up my spanish hopefully by december..=D

watched it twice..lol free tix second time round..haha.. watched with jac the first time in 3d..(:

my first cinema pic..(: the man was like halau-ing us..ahah.. but who cares, we took the pic and chao..ahah.. made 9 new frens..HAHA! was nice catching up and binging..lol! she eaat the whole way! but not fat at all! wormmsss! hahahahahha..=D

anyways where are u sydney u??!!!! even queesland has replied and latrobe needs triple a's before offering which is kinda impossible for me..T.T left u sydney uuu! the one that says 'see you next year' never offer! T.T gonna start work in july! i'm out of $! T.T

i hope i make it.
i hope i make it.
i hope i make it.
i hope i make it.
i hope i make it.
i hope i make it.
i hope i make it.
i hope i make it.
i hope i make it.
i hope i make it.
i hope i make it.
i hope i make it.

ahh its killing me!

graduating in stylee..(:

2010-06-17T07:39:00.000-07:00

a levels is over. that was one hell of a year and a half, filled with ups and downs.. there were numerous jokes about chemistry and physics and many more inside jokes..haha.. =D one day without laughter among us will be a rather gloomy day-exam days.. even when we were hard coring in the library for 6 to 7 hours, we still have laughter filled lunch breaks about librarians and much more crap! (: i for one will miss the library- boy boy! i know siew li would too..=D i will miss our gang-unit(siewli peiyee wenxian) plus elyse plus huiling plus me..(: well, a levels changed me, a levels made me a nerd. haha! a levels got me setting my priorities right, a levels stressed me out to a whole new level, a levels caused me to have out-of-shape hair, huge eyebags and pimples! but i wouldn't trade this experience for anything else only because it had been such a fun ride along the way. (: on 14th june - graduation day, that day marked the end, the closing chapter of the ride. i was rather relieved to have reached that day and sad too. this means we won't be meeting our lecturers and friends anymore. and for the second time, i stayed true to myself, to what i said and went for the non-make up natural look.(: i like the pics and the memories will be cherished.(:

curling my hair. my hairdresser got the shock of his life when i said i want to curl..haha!

our table for the night, table 21.=D

that consisted of me!

elyse and hui ling!

siewli and elizabeth!

pei yee and wen xian!
weijen moe moe and mukand!

during the dinner/graduation which was quite bad cos nobody listens to speeches and etc but who cares, we were busy taking picturess..=D

elyse! milo partner plus diss sohais partner! haha! (:
siew li! blook can become f blok and she stalks librarians! (and bite) hahahaha..

hui ling!
pei yee! one third of unit!

wenxian boss! another one third of unit! (:

haree! sexayy! haha

munwai! friends since standard 2..haha

elaine! friends since form 2..(:
kai yuan! super helpful super genius! (:

mukand! best big bro ever! hahaha
tian yuan! aka brian..lol!
moe moe! (:

vincent! gangster.lol!

weijen!
teng jong! dai yi long! ahah

chee yung!

likee!kin wai! mr valedictorian!

nicole!

brenda!
charmaine!

calvin! the freaky dumbass! =p

thinagan!

rohit!

twinkle!
the girls! (:
plus mukand! (:

zhi yuen has a billionaire face! haha!

chee yung looks cute! haha!

s3!

ms chin! one of the best lecturers! chem! even though she damn ganas..haha

mr chong!!! one of the cutest lecturers! even though he only thought us for one semester..(:

mr chin! who was a no show as he was battling it out in the hospital. hope you get well soon..=(

mr khoo! physics practical teacher! (:

mr kingsley was mia.lol. i think i took pictures with nearly everyone in s3 except for u know who lar..=D that was one hell of a roller coaster ride! we did it! we survived a levels together.♥ now to rest the brain and move on to the next phase of life.(: thanks for the memories~~

trust engulfs like quicksand

2010-06-13T18:41:00.000-07:00

trust, a complex emotion. trust, can u really trust anyone in this world? from the very basic family, mums tell lies when u grow up so u stop whining and asking questions. boyfriends lie all the time when they tell you they will love you forever but runs off with another girl in a month. walking down a street and you can't trust anyone, they may just snatch your bag and run off. so why do we trust boyfriends when they say they will love us forever or trust a random girl that eventually steals your handphone or trust a maid who says she's gonna call? lack of experience. so we learn the hard way growing up to never fully trust a guy, to never trust anyone out there. so we wouldn't get hurt.
trust no one..

numbed

2010-06-12T06:21:00.000-07:00

my baby had a haircut! =D

and i had a haircut! lol

so straight! T.T it curled back after washing..haha

i cleared my room! a levels is over.. T.T its so saddening.. but its bound to happen.. graduation monday! =D

cleared pile..LOL!

star world sucks! keep changing the times! ish! i have no idea wat to blog about..ahah.. anyways sydney u told me 'we hope to see u next year' but they haven't gave me an offer! hahaha. i can't wait for monday, i'm actually excited..haha! thats a first.=D

push me a dose of morphine!

2010-05-31T04:11:00.000-07:00

the world i know
i'm all alone, all alone;
watching these pretentious faces.
i'm all alone, all alone;
in this place of hidden pain.
i'm all alone, all alone;
as gravity draws the tears out.
i'm all alone, all alone;
where is the exit door?

defeated

2010-05-28T06:26:00.000-07:00

everyday i look at my lil furry baby and i wonder how am i gonna walk away leaving him behind. but i am reminded every single day why i want to just walk out the door and never look back. the only thing that made living bearable was my dad who's gone overseas, my maid who's gone home and my baby who's still hanging on with me. [my maid said to me before leaving, hang on in there♥].

anyway when i was a little kid, one of my teachers said 'you should respect your elders, given that they respect you too. even if they are older, there's no excuse to not show respect'. from that day on, i stopped calling the person who is supposedly my brother 'kor kor'. even as a kid of 6-7 years, i sensed the disrespect and the condescending attitude. Now, 12 years later, the hatred is gripping at me. i am different from other kids. i grew up hating that person that was supposed to be my brother. and right now i have never felt hatred so deep for someone before. the 3 months he was at ns camp could be considered the best days of my life. to me, my first 19 years of life is partially wasted for knowing this wretched person. fortunately for me, i have discovered a pathway to exit this life graciously, to walk away. hopefully after i turn 19, i'll be on a plane away from here. there may be blood ties, but there's where it ends. if i pass him on a street, no acknowledgment will be made.

yes people tell me all the time that "family is everything". but wat they failed to tell me is the definition of a family. along the journey of life, i figured out that family is about unconditional love, care, being helpful to one another. from the day i could remember living, i have never experienced any of that from this person who is supposedly my brother. when i needed help going to a bus stop 5 minutes away, he was reluctant and agreed after money was in the picture. that is not helping, that is hiring. seriously? i watch in awe when i see sibling love knowing i will never experience that. sounds exaggerated? my maid was 100% behind me cos she lived in this house. that guy puts on a fake mask everytime he stepped out the door. after nearly 19 years, its time to cut ties.
now thats a family photo by definition. my mum gets half cos she's like a dr jekyl and mr hyde..LOL!

i stand here, defeated..

look how far you've come.

2010-05-26T20:00:00.000-07:00

3 years in a row, my boy has won...♥
lee dewyze won by 2 percent! wow.. he deserved it..look how far he came on the show..♥

all the idols came back..where were u mr. cook??? =((((((

this is a wtf moment..LOL!

life is a series of adventure.(:

2010-05-11T00:42:00.000-07:00

it seems like just yesterday we started college and got to know new people.. NOW, its over already..time flies~ along the way i met few people that made a levels bearable as its so damn stressful! all the laughter and memories will be cherished.(: on the other hand, there was some people that was so not worth meeting and now finally i am free of seeing that retarded face.(: the lecturers are great too..(:

mr chin!

ms chin!
mr kingsley.
mr chin's card! (:
finally! HEHE! (;
the 6 of us..(:
7 people camwhore..woo..(:
elyse! milo partner! =D

siew li! she can't play poker for nuts..hahahaha..
kai yuan! the super helpful physics genius! =D
hui ling!

rich guy! hahaha
haree!

thats about all the pics i took..lastly i'm so gonna miss white chicken rice! ♥

i'll miss a levels..but i'm glad its coming to an end soon..i'm sure there are bigger better things out there waiting..i for one can't wait!

a2 is in a week! omg! good luck people! =D
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

dan and jordan won the amazing race!

this is soo cool! its jordan's biggest dream to run finish the amazing race! and they never won a single leg..but they won the whole thing..how cool is that! my heart was thumping so fast..and jordan's biggest dream came true..all i can say is WOW!

us against the world..(:

2010-05-05T00:48:00.000-07:00

cravings.... i have soo many cravings..T.T that's cos my dad isn't around to bring me to satisfy my cravings..T.T so sad..and he's not around to stock up my wallet..LOL! and not around to control the noise level in the house (i'm going nuts with all the money talk)

i miss my dad..T.T

my maid's going home days before a2 starts (insert swear word here) LOL! i think i talk to her the most in the house on any given day..crap!

now its just me n juju against the world..(:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i know this all may seem way too early to say but i found my potential wedding song! =D HAHAHA..

shania twain - you're still the one ♥

(When I first saw you, I saw love.
And the first time you touched me, I felt love.
And after all this time, you're still the one I love.)

Looks like we made it
Look how far we've come my baby
We mighta took the long way
We knew we'd get there someday

Bridge:
They said, "I bet they'll never make it"
But just look at us holding on
We're still together still going strong

Chorus:
(You're still the one)
You're still the one I run to
The one that I belong to
You're the one I want for life
(You're still the one)
You're still the one that I love
The only one I dream of
You're still the one I kiss good night

Ain't nothin' better
We beat the odds together
I'm glad we didn't listen
Look at what we would be missin'

(Bridge)
(Chorus)
(Chorus)

I'm so glad we made it
Look how far we've come my baby

i heard it on american idol when lee dewyze ♥ sang the song..i like both his version and shania's..♥ (: wouldn't it be cool to walk down the aisle towards the love of your life ♥ while this song is playing.. i shall just hope my dream will come true..hahaha..=D

3 years is a long time.):

2010-04-22T18:51:00.000-07:00

in 3 days time, it will be 3 years.. but i still cringed when i saw the photo of the comp i didn't go cos of my stupidity and lost a chance for one week with him. it could have been the best week of my life.. and i still can't get over it after 3 years. i read before that i need to forgive myself before i can even consider letting go..but i find that so remotely impossible..=/ i was on my way and got a faceful of it.. i was on my way..

I'll never be the same - if we ever meet again
Won't let you get away - said if we ever meet again
This free fall's, got me so
Kiss me all night don't ever let me go
I'll never be the same
If we ever meet again
Say if we ever meet again

~katy perry and timbaland - if we ever meet again. (:

sense of

2010-04-13T02:46:00.000-07:00

ACCOMPLISHMENT! (:

drove around running errands the whole day..drove to 1u college ALONE.. HAH in ur face (someone)! means i can drive to puchong now? I DON'T WANT TO..=D

printed out pictures of memories..(:
picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor~~ (:

applications are going in soon..AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.. SIGHs!
tomorrow hard coring starts..(:

i had sworn to myself that I'm content with loneliness

2010-04-09T02:53:00.000-07:00

lady antebellum-need you now

Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor
Reachin for the phone cause I can't fight it anymore
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

Another shot of whiskey can't stop looking at the door
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothin at all

It's a quarter after one I'm all alone and I need you now
And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now
I just need you now
Ooo, baby, I need you now

as the darkness engulfs her,
a glimmer is her beacon of hope,
it fades into a distant speck,
as her burning determination flickers out.

the fire has burned out. my fire has burned out.

because none of it was ever worth the risk.

2010-04-07T02:12:00.000-07:00

when we leave high school, the months after will leave us missing high school life ALOT.. obviously since college life is so freaking stressful..

when we quit swimming cos its time to and also because we are so sick of the water. waking up at 4.45am when even the chickens are still asleep to go train.whole holiday dedicated to swim, eat n sleep. all i ever did in the holidays were sleep wake up eat swim eat sleep wake up swim eat sleep. and that repeats again n again for the next 40 odd days. so we quit swimming with the joy and the sigh that just says finally... and the months after that joy of going to shopping malls everyday during the holidays. never going back to the pool. not stepping on those grounds again.

BUT, one year down the road...

we don't miss high school anymore.. high school is history, the past. something we will look back every now and then and say aww those were the good old days without wanting to live that life again.

we miss swimming like hell. the nostalgia feeling. the water around us. the adrenaline rush. one year later stepping onto the grounds again. the setting's the same yet everything has changed. seeing the water yet not being able to be in it. seeing the competitors and missing the feeling of competing. going nanar again. and then the sigh comes that says oh how i wish we could go back to those days again, why didn't i appreciate them. and then the book goes missing and u cant help but to swear out loud.. maybe its time to let go~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told you
I just held it in

And now,
I miss everything about you
Can't believe that I still want you
And after all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you
Without you
~i never told you, colbie caillat

little snippets of moments are coming back to me randomly. then i dig deep to figure out when and where it came from. leaving me reminiscing everything. not good at all. i was hoping you would get it.. guess you never will. hey, maybe its time to let go too~

i believe you don't ever stop,
you just have to learn to let go and move on..

SIGH!

2010-03-31T20:43:00.000-07:00

notes to self : SLAP SLAP!

=X

2010-03-29T20:29:00.000-07:00

lately there has been more potholes in life..and my mood is a swinging badly.. stop sms-ing or msn-ing me.. annoying pathetic-ness.. if i'm 30 n not married, my life is a failure..(:

=)

2010-03-20T19:55:00.000-07:00

NOT all good things come to an end.. =)
nothing beats going out with your cffl! and ranting while walking and stuffing ourselves with food.=D

and nothing beats the nanar moments at the pool..memoriesss~~~ nanar reunite!
and going bonkers in the car.=D

and having chicken rice on wednesdays..HEHE! the one thing i'll miss when i leave sunway..=)

after all, why waste our youthful years..=)

the ghost of you...

2010-03-16T03:55:00.000-07:00

in love with picture perfect memories and empty promises..(:

i never told you.

-.-

2010-03-12T01:31:00.001-08:00

i'm completely and utterly speechless.. In one week, you have managed to bring back 3 years old of hurt back, bring out memories i have long ago put at the back of my head. All the hard work done in 3 years all back out in the open within a week. And you say 'something's not right=('
i for one have no comment...

i need to study, i need to get in a uni.. i don't want to be a sohai failure. =)

waiting upon a miracle.

2010-02-28T05:02:00.000-08:00

full steam ahead! NO more distractions!

You never know when the biggest day of your life is going to be the biggest
The days you think are going to be the big ones
They're never as big as you make them out in your head
Its the regular days, the ones that start out normal
Those are the days that end up being the biggest

You never know the biggest day of your life is the biggest day
Not until its happening
You don't recognize the biggest day of your life
Not until you're in the middle of it
The day you commit to something or someone
The day you get your heart broken
The day you meet your soul mate
The day you realize there's not enough time
Cause you want to live forever
Those are the biggest days
The perfect days.
~grey's anatomy

beautiful... <3

if i never see your face again

2010-02-25T21:40:00.000-08:00

its over, so over.

its not the person or wateva..just unravelling 3 years old of hurt back out. that is so not cool.

all good things come to an end. yes.

i expected too much,
stupid once again.

time to change

2010-02-21T23:49:00.000-08:00

it would have been funny if it wasn't so condescending...

i'm guessing this roller coaster ride is over. i can't help but feel dejected.. 4 years down the line and nothing has change. back to square one.

time to focus! =/

off off off

2010-02-21T03:40:00.000-08:00

i hate my freaking awesome dream..its like taking 10 huge steps backwards..that didn't help at all..T.T

p.s : i suck..=(

the broken clock is a comfort, let's me sleep tonight.
Maybe you can't stop tomorrow from stealing all my time..

(:

2010-02-17T00:05:00.000-08:00

its been two years.. two chaotic wonderful years..time flies..=D i'm glad we got you. i couldn't love you more..

<3

its worth it.(:

2010-02-11T19:53:00.000-08:00

we study day and night, (for me when near exams only la) for weeks, months..stress shits..eye bags BIG and black.. just for that 2 seconds of bliss when the results pops out in front of our eyes..and the 2 hours of excitement on msn..LOL..months for hours..but its worth it..(: its going to be so worth it walking thru the doors of our dream uni doing our dream course..and ending life contented..so studying now is not an option...=D

i finally know wats my path to the future..i hope i make it..=D